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| Sunisa Minoptra, bloody bride not-to-be |
By Amazon River Sun Staff
AMAZON — At the end of 2023, Amazon River Sun publisher Persephone Bolero-Trenton was running a small criminal defense law firm. Efforts to get the police to actually arrest anyone, however, had not proved fruitful, and so she was finding it hard to get clients. Needing to make money, Bolero-Trenton returned to her previous career as a journalists.
She had previously reported at another publication that shall remain nameless, but Bolero-Trenton had a vision of a newspaper that would serve as a voice of the community, with a courageous honesty unimpeded by the agenda of Monks and seekers. On January 2, 2024, Bolero-Trenton founded the Amazon River Sun and over the past year, she has built it into the jungle’s most widely read news source.
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| Persephone Bolero-Trenton, publisher |
The year has been a wild one for our remote community. The jungle was filled with tales of heartbreaks, war, plagues and crime. On this New Year's Eve, we look back on the stories that shaped 2024.
Shortly after the Sun opened its doors, Stephen Shielmaiden of Chaos, was the victim of a poisoning carried out by a seeker calling herself Maya Buttreeks. The potion resulted in an awkward appendage sprouting from the man’s chest. The Amazonia Policia investigated the alleged poisoning, and to no one’s surprise, nothing came of their investigation. Fortunately, after being abducted by aliens, Shieldmaiden was set free, with the tentacle mysteriously gone.
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| Stephen Shieldmaiden, poisoning victime |
It turns out Shieldmaiden is a magnet for poisonings. He, along with other members of Chaos, was once again the victim of poisoning in April. Sunisa Minoptra opened Suni’s Bar in February and attracted a handful of customers. The following April, members of Chaos, who are known for their kind generosity to strangers, were allegedly poisoned at the bar. Minoptra denied the allegations.
Minoptra isn’t the jungle’s only entrepreneur to initiate a business in 2024. In January, Jonas Daviau started helicopter tours in a flying machine he designed himself. The tours originated at the EK Resort he operated with his wife, Estonia.
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| Jonas Daviau, aviation pioneer |
Another entrepreneur, Stefanie, also known as the Witch of the Elder’s Path, created a potion that functions a lot like the modern Viagra. In March, Stefanie was kind enough to demonstrate the potion on Leslie Trenton, Bolero-Trenton’s then-future husband, and it performed just as the witch described.
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| Stefanie, Witch of the Elder's Path |
Running a business in the jungle is no picnic. Another determined entrepreneur, Zao Prosperity Company CEO Zao Wucan, weathered a series of unfortunate incidents trying to prosper in our remote backwater. Wucan’s firm specializes in sustainable gem mining and eco-tourist ventures. In this lawless land, however, the venture encountered acts of theft, attacks on Wucan’s family, and the kidnapping of his valued clients. Despite the challenges, Wucan plans to continue operations in 2025 with unwavering determination.
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| Zao Wucan, determined CEO |
Bolero-Trenton also launched her own venture this past summer. Hoping to tap a large petroleum deposit under the Xoco camp in order to fund life-saving sanitation infrastructure, she initiated an eco-friendly oil operation using the modern, clean standards. Unfortunately, fearing modern progress, Xoco terrorists sabotaged the operation, creating a ecological disaster. Bolero-Trenton had wisely taken out an insurance policy, and the settlement has afforded her much prosperity in 2024.
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| Illustration of natives happy for modern progress |
Despite the cruelty and barbarism in our midst, the jungle is not without its softer side, and September was filled with romance, as well as heartbreak.
In a lovely ceremony at the Tapirape camp, Jonas Daviau married Eastonia, who paid ten goats for him. Also in September, the aforementioned Leslie Trenton married Sun Publisher Persephone Bolero in a chapel in Las Vegas. Despite the adage that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, Bolero-Trenton told the entire story in the pages of the Sun.
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| Jonas and Eastonia Daviau |
Minoptra, the accused poisoner and alleged police officer, was not so lucky in her search for lasting companionship. The lovesick poet had hoped to capture the heart of Syrissa Broono, of Chaos. Minoptra’s courtship involved a daring raid on the Chaos camp to capture her love interest, and Xoco warriors backed up her coerced betrothal. Unfortunately, Chaos proved to be a formidable opponent. Minoptra was left with a bloody wedding dress and no "I do."
With a complete lack of sanitation, the filth of nature also brought plague and illness to our community. In April, the Sun published a controversial investigation that found a strong correlation between the lack of proper toilets and a rash of cholera and dysentery, resulting in some deaths. Despite the investigation, the jungle’s natives have refused to adopt modern sanitary practices.
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| Science! |
In September, an entire research team from the World Health Organization came to the jungle to investigate a mysterious illness that had strewn animal carcasses up and down the river. While the illness was never identified, a crisis was averted when Chaos benevolently organized the healers of the jungle to come together for a vaccination clinic.
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| Lovely and talented Syrissa Broono |
Between the violence and disease, our river community stuck to its traditions. This included the annual Carnival pageant and parade. And the Tapirape managed to hold their summertime Fishing Week tradition, including the popular cock blessing event and barrel race. In October, Hope organized a Fight Club, the jungle’s popular blood sport. Lastly, the Tystista tribe held weekly community meals, bringing together members of the community for free gourmet meals and great conversation in what is called the Soup Kitchen.
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| Honored tradition |
It was an exciting year, and we here at the Amazon River Sun wish our readers a happy, safe and prosperous 2025.
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