BREAKING: Local alien abductee now tentacle-free

Stephen Shieldmaiden prior to his operation
(file photo)

RIO GRANDE — A local alien abductee who sprouted a tentacle from his chest after consuming a potion supplied to him by a seeker says he’s now tentacle-free.

Stephen Shieldmaiden told the Amazon River Sun that he has successfully removed the tentacle that sprouted from his chest.

“I convinced Amber [his wife] to cut it off with her katana. Then, I used liberal amounts of moonshine to douse and clean the wound,” Shieldmaiden said

Shieldmaiden said that the tentacle continued to squirm after it was severed, suggesting the operation didn’t kill the alien appendage.

“That was a nasty bugger,” he added.

Amber Shieldmaiden said her husband has not yet seen a shaman after the ad-hoc operation.

Stephen Shieldmaiden vanished mysteriously for a couple weeks in what is highly suspected to be a kidnapping by the elusive alien species known as the Monks. Experts believe the species is keeping the human race primitive to prevent intergalactic rivalry with another advanced species.

Why these aliens kidnapped Shieldmaiden remains a mystery, and he has no recollection of what happened during his absence. 

He had previously told the Sun that he experienced a “squirming” in his chest following his reappearance. On Jan. 1, he consumed a potion from a seeker calling herself Maya Buttreeks, and the tentacle sprouted from his chest.

Others who consumed the potion became ill, and police are investigating the matter.

Aside from a “twinge,” Shieldmaiden said he hasn’t experienced any further symptoms of tentacle infestation. He is currently seeking out a shaman called “JoJo” for expert diagnosis.

Amber Shieldmaiden said she believes the seeker’s potion helped her husband. Her husband believes the potion, whatever it was, didn’t cause the tentacle infection but likely caused it to jump from his body.

“It was a powerful potion to have purged such a foul thing from me,” Shieldmaiden said, adding that he believes the tentacle is related to the green slime that he was covered in after his reappearance. This is the same substance he’d been walking through before being kidnapped by what are likely Monks.

“Both are green and have a weird consistency to them. I think it’s all because of the aliens or Monks -- whatever you want to call them -- that dwells in that cave,” he said, referring to a cave near the Jurito camp where an alien craft had crashed or been hidden some time ago.

"I haven't had much experience dealing with the monks. I swear it's aliens! No way is that normal stuff!” Amber Shieldmaiden said.

Her husband said he would still like answers to what happened to him. He also said he’s been preoccupied with “miniature things” in a laboratory near the “goat Monks’ cave.”

“It’s almost like a dance in my head, and it ain’t no waltz. I seen the shit up there and I feel completely violated by those spindly fingered dudes,” he said.

The experience, he said, has left him shaken and angered.

I’m “pissed off something could do this. Just take me away. It’s like three weeks of my life have been wiped clean, and I didn't even get kissed. That's just wrong,” he said.