White woman pays 10 goats to marry Tapirapé Scout

Mr. and Mrs. Jonas "10 goats" Kawanishi
Photos by Persephone Bolero-Trenton

By Persephone Bolero-Trenton

AMAZON — Tapirapé Scout, resort owner and tour-helicopter inventor Jonas Kwanishi married Eastonia, a white woman, at a community gathering in the Tapirapé camp Saturday.

Tapirarapé Shaman Whispering Wind, who officiated the ceremony, said that Eastonia Kawanishi paid 10 goats to the tribe in order to be granted permission to marry her beloved Jonas. These goats, Wind said, were of a “noble breed.”

Mrs. Kawanishi probably would have paid 20 goats.

“Usually, some of our elders might frown upon someone choosing to dilute our precious bloodline. Despite advising them to think long and hard about this decision, we have all grown very fond of Eastonia. We understand why Jonas has chosen to start a family with her, and we accept her as part of our family,” Wind said. 

Wind said that the ceremony was “rich in cultural significance,” before blessing the union. To signify the strength of Eastonia’s and Jonas’ marriage, Wind threw a clay pot on the ground, shattering it into many pieces.

“Only when these pieces are whole again can this bond be undone,” she said, suggesting Tapirarapé divorces require a bottle of glue. 

 

Whispering Wind, destroyer of pots, officiated the ceremony.

 

Oscar Seaside, Maître des Chèvres, "master of goats"

The attendees were well dressed

Catten's butt also blessed the union.

Facing down deadly and mysterious epidemic ravaging the jungle, Chaos organizes healers for vaccination blitz

A sign outside a tent welcomes patients and proofreaders.
Photos by Persephone Boler-Trenton

By Persephone Bolero-Trenton 

 AMAZON — Chaos Saturday declared war on a baffling illness that has been killing people and animals all across the jungle.

Medical professionals from the Xoco, Tapirape, Kayorana and Jurito tribes met at the Chaos headquarters to provide free vaccines, which they hope will address the plague. 

Chaos member Syrissa shows off her fashionable scrubs.

 

"We felt if everyone came together and we vaccinated and healed those needing them, we could eradicate this epidemic," Chaos member Stephen Shieldmaiden told the Amazon River Sun.

Shieldmaiden explained that healing the community from the insidious disease was going to require a coordinated effort among all healers of the Amazon.

"It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a force to eliminate illness," he said. 

 

Healer Amber Shieldmaiden consults with a fellow
medical professional.

The exact nature of the plague is still undetermined. Though some theories suggest it may be connected to the cholera that has been spreading among native tribes in the North, Shieldmaiden said the two plagues are not likely connected. He said water samples from a well were taken to study the disease, though he wouldn't disclose the well's location.

"It seems the whatever killed the animals jumped to the human population," he explained. 

 

Sun Publisher Persephone Bolero-Trenton availed herself
of the free vaccines.

 

As to whether the experimental vaccines that were administered at the event could causes side effects, such as autism and zombies, Xoco healer Silvia Mertel said the likelihood of such outcomes is very low.

"There is always a little chance of that, but I don't think so. These vaccinations are only half a year overdated. Maybe the older ones, yes," Metel said. 

 

Kayorana chief Pacxq summons spirits to ward off cholera.

After the medicines were distributed to members of the community, Chaos held a Burning Man-style bonfire. But instead of a giant wooden effigy, they burnt a giant pile of rotting flesh. 

It's not clear as of Sunday if the healing event has been effective at eradicating the mysterious plague. The Amazon River Sun will provide updates as they become available. 

 

The fire left behind an odor for hours after the event.

Catten's butt

Questions remain after World Health Organization team sent to investigate mysterious illness found dead at clinic

Photos by Persephone Bolero-Trenton

 By Persephone Bolero-Trenton

AMAZON — A mysterious illness is killing animals and people, including an entire research team from the World Health Organization (WHO). According to classified documents obtained by the Amazon River Sun, biological weapons may be involved, but another cholera outbreak couldn't be ruled out.

Animals have been turning up dead across the jungle in the past few weeks, and due to their numbers, there’s been considerable odor emanating from the corpses. 

A buck found near Red Coast.

 

After reports that people had succumbed to the illness, the WHO sent a research team to investigate. The medical staff set up a clinic on the edge of the southern swamps near Deep Drop. Wearing personal protective gear, Sun reporters located the clinic Sunday, and discovered the entire WHO team had died. 

Based on evidence at the site, it appears the team had been treating people who were infected with the strange contagion. Piles of what may be burning flesh were found around the site, and there were cans of gasoline near the piles. 

Several deceased patients at WHO clinic site.

Classified documents that were reviewed by the Sun reveal that samples of what is being described as a biological weapon were acquired in May 2023 during a military operation at a facility in Venezuela. The samples were lost during transport, however, according to the classified materials, when the aircraft carrying them vanished from radar. 

Piles of flesh burned in piles at the clinic.

 

Due to unsanitary practices of the natives, outbreaks of cholera are common throughout the jungle. However, a source close to the investigation told the Sun that the symptoms of the mysterious contagion are not consistent with the cholera natives are spreading. As of Tuesday, the Sun was unable to rule out the possibility.

The Sun has reached out to the WHO for comment and will update this story as more information becomes available. 

 

Allegedly not a cholera victim.

 

 

WHO staff member died while examining a patient.

Excessive blood loss appears to be a symptom of the disease.

 

Policewoman’s wedding crumbles when she and the Xoco army fail to capture the bride

Will you marry me?
Photo courtesy of Sunisa

 By Persephone Bolero-Trenton

AMAZON — While the jungle is full of stories of love and romance, not all endings are happy.

Such was the case for Sunisa Minoptra, a member of the Xoco tribe and sometimes police sergeant, who was pining for Syrissa Broono. Sunisa had planned a lovely ceremony for herself and Syrissa, except one little problem — Syrissa wasn’t willing to be wed to the cop. 

Sunisa had cute invitations made for her wedding.

 

Prior to the big day, however, Sunisa was confident she would be joined in unholy matrimony with her love interest.

“Well, Syrissa doesn’t go that way yet, but I'm sure she'll come around,” Sunisa told the Sun.

On the big day, Sunday, there seemed to be some dispute over the prospects that Syrissa would give her hand in marriage.

“Are you kidding? Syrissa wants nothing to do with that lesbian,” Stephen Shieldmaiden, a member of Chaos, told the Sun before Sunisa and the Xoco warriors arrived to capture Syrissa and convince her to marry Sunisa. “That woman is off her rocker if she thinks its going to happen. Over my dead body, Syrissa wants nothing to do with her. Its just a corrupt, jealous cop talking don't you know?"

As word of the approaching Xoco army reached the Chaos base, Syrissa was, as nervous brides often are, complete inebriated. When asked if she would be agreeing to the marriage, she expressed some reluctance.

 

Syrissa, nervous on her wedding day, gets thoroughly wasted.
Photos by Persephone Bolero-Trenton

 

"Bah, Marriage is a fairytale. I’ve no need for fairytales,” the woman told the Sun, her words slurring. She added that she did not want to be married to Sunisa.

The wedding might have turned out better for Sergeant Minoptra, but the Xocos, who had planned to be Sunisa’s bridesmaids, ended up in the Chaos cells. Syrissa, for her part, remained in her room, where she watched the battle that ensued in the name of capturing her heart.

Sun Publisher Persephone Bolero-Trenton entered the warzone, protected by her husband, local bush pilot Leslie Trenton. Trenton, who had spent 25 years in Africa, had not been in a combat area in many years.

Will you, Syrissa, make me the happiest woman in the Amazon?

 

Bolero-Trenton was wounded during the battle when she took friendly fire from Silvia, a Xoco. Mr. Trenton carried his incapacitated wife to a safe area, while she continued to shoot photos.

Sunisa ended up a captive in the room with Syrissa, and she pleaded with her love interest to reconsider the marriage. With Xoco army neutralized, Sunisa had little leverage to convince Syrissa to change her mind, and Syrissa even declined to date the sergeant, saying it would only mislead her. 

 

Rejected and bloodied, Sunisa addresses the party.

 

“You broke my heart!” Sunisa said, sobbing. She did, however, accept that the marriage wasn’t going to happen. She agreed to make a statement to her wedding party.

“It's over sisters! There will be no wedding. I shall remain single and a virgin* for the time being,” Sunisa told her bridesmaids, tears streaming down her cheeks. 

The bridesmaids await the reception and cake that never happened.

 

Sunisa and the other Xoco returned to their camp, where they likely laid around drinking the day away. No word yet if Syrissa will be considering any future marriage proposals, forced or otherwise, but for now, the Chaos warrior remains single. 

*Fact check: False. 

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Too lazy and disorganized to put together a wedding, local couple flies off to Vegas to get hitched

Love me tender...love me true.
Photos by Juan the photographer

 

By Persephone Bolero-Trenton

VEGAS — Leslie Trenton and Persephone Bolero had been planning their wedding for weeks. It was a daunting task for the couple. Trenton, a bush pilot who had spent his life drifting through adventures across the globe, lacks any sense of organization. Bolero, publisher of the most widely read newspaper in the Amazon, is far too lazy for such effort. 

“Oh my god. You have to do all this stuff,” Bolero-Trenton complained. “I was hoping to hire a wedding planner, but it’s hard enough to find a good maid just to clean our house. We weren’t going to find a skilled event planner in this mosquito-infested backwater.” 

A few weeks since Trenton proposed to the journalist, the couple had only managed to decide on a theme and the color of Trenton’s tux. Bolero calculated that at their pace, the wedding would likely happen sometime after 2075. 

 

Trenton proposed at a Libertad brunch while
Tantrica had sex with some girl at the table.

 

In the interest of getting married while both of them were still alive, the couple decided to elope in Vegas. They hired local photographer Juan to capture the special event, and got married in a charming Elvis chapel just off the Las Vegas Strip. 

With an Elvis impersonator in tow, the couple then proceeded to play roulette, where they won $50,000. Bolero-Trenton proceeded to get really drunk on top-shelf drinks and lost the couple’s roulette winnings playing blackjack. 

 

The happy couple were briefly winners.

 

Enraged at her loss, she attacked the dealer, and the casino's security guards threw her onto the sidewalk. Trenton managed to get his inebriated bride back to their hotel room safely, and the couple returned to the Amazon with wonderful memories and big hangovers. 

 

 

 

 

 

The Tapirape Fishing Week comes to a close with Goo taking first place in the annual Barrel Race.

From left: Goo, Micke and Helen - winners of the barrel race.
Photos by Persephone Bolero

By Persephone Bolero

AMAZON — The Tapirape have packed up their temporary camp on the beaches east of the Red Coast and made the trek back home. Before wrapping up their annual Fishing Week, the notoriously native tribe held the annual Barrel Race.

With a time of 10 minutes and 49 seconds, Goo took first prize. Coming in second is native advocate Micke Avora, at 11 minutes and 20 seconds. Helen of the Xoco, with 11 minutes and 23 seconds, came in a respectable third in the race.

 

Goo paddles fiercely.

 

In the race, contestants rowed barrels along a river route, navigating rocks, crocodiles and whirlpools.

Honorable mentions went to Rachel van Dam of the Xoco, who took fifth place at 12 minutes and 29 seconds. Silvia, also of the Xoco, came in at 12 minutes and 18 seconds.

While the Xoco took many of the top spots, it’s unclear if that was due to the large population of the tribe or its members athleticism. Xoco Chieftess Khaing Zar claimed it was due to their hangovers and refusal to use proper bathroom facilities.

“My sisters were all at a marriage ceremony and the party afterwards was a little wild and some drank too much. They all had hangovers this morning,” Zar said.

 

Tapirape Shaman Whispering Wind couldn't
put the pipe down even to paddle.

Zar added that by doing their business where ever they happen to be when the fancy strikes them, they fertilize their crops. This provides them with an abundance of food to make their contestants stronger, she claimed.

However, experts stress the importance of good sanitation and analyses have shown that the failure to use modern facilities may be contributing to cholera outbreaks along the river near the major tribes.

Whatever the case, the cholera and other diseases didn’t prevent the contestants and audience from enjoying the Fishing Week finale. 

 

Whispering Wind relaxes after the race.

 

 

Sunisa and Shui collide as they vie for position.

 

Cattan's butt remained fully covered the whole day.