Press release courtesy of Zao Prosperity Company, LLC
Zao Prosperity Company LLC, providing sustainable eco-tourism experiences at the north end of the Amazon River valley, reported to authorities that a severed human head was discovered “on a pointy stick” near one of its “cozy native-person-style cabana” huts. These rustic structures are used, as said on the ZPC Web site, for “our many happy volunteer associates” who go beneath the earth near The Skull Cave “in order to have interesting and self-actualizing times finding diamonds for betterment of all Amazon persons.”
From his office, which is not far from the south shore, CEO Zao Wucan discussed the incident.
“Press release most urgent at this time. Zao need to get record straight before fake news get ahead of fair-and-balanced reporting done by good journalists like Mrs. Bolero-Trenton.”
“First, Zao and entire ZPC staff very sorry that some competitor or wicked person leave severed head for all to see. Our people returned poor battered head to Amazon authorities. Look like unfortunate fellow got shaved, slashed with same razors, beaten, decapitated! Why persons do such awful things? Why not find inner purpose and just be happy?”
The head has not been DNA tested yet, but the police have been investigating the disappearance of Ned Nikkerson, of River Heights, an idyllic town somewhere in the US Midwest. Mr. Nikkerson is enrolled at Emerson College, though he took a sabbatical from his studies to search for his high-school sweetheart Nancy Dreww, who vanished in the Amazon several years back. He was seen in Manaus two weeks ago, hiring guides to go upriver. Dreww, a self-trained girl detective, had been investigating incidents surrounding other disappearances in the jungle when she herself went missing. She was recently known to be looking into Zao Wucan’s business affairs.
“Oh, Miss Dreww fine and dandy, chipper Midwestern-American-type person,” Zao reassures anyone interested. “She and Zao reach understanding and Zao certain she not one who steal valuable laptop from company, as most excellent editor and reporter Miss Bolero report earlier. Zao only little bit sad over poor brother, Wo-Fat.” Wo-Fat Wucan was sent to prison for 800 years (eligible for release in 500 years, for good behavior) by District Attorney Carson Dreww, father of Nancy.
“Zao pledge to see poor Wo-Fat pardoned!” The ZPC CEO stated, noting that the member of the Wucan clan was “framed, just like museum-type picture” for five counts of murder and one of arson involving a Dim-Sum restaurant called the Jade Monkey, near River Heights.
Zao dabbed at his eye and stroked a small teddy bear that sat on his shoulder. “But Nancy and Zao make up. Not kiss and make up, yet, but still…”
A small photo of Miss Dreww sat on Zao’s desk as Mr. Wucan patted the bear’s head. “Teddy tell Zao that Miss Nancy mean well. Anyhow, she very smart and pretty Western-type person, like all good high-school girls from Riverdale such as Veronica and Betty. Maybe she leave current criminal New Orleans boyfriend and move up in world to work for Zao Prosperity Company? Zao guarantee happy-fun time for nice girl detective!”
Anyone with information on Mr. Nikkerson, suspects in the beheading, or other stories related to the upper Amazon Valley are encouraged to contact the PR office at ZPC LLC, who will “relay information fast to appropriate local authorities,” Mr. Wucan said, sipping a cup of Chinese red tea. “Zao on GOOD terms with local police. Just remember, reader! Happiness make you happy! So be happy! That our latest slogan.”
-Press release by Miss Lotus Seed, Public Relations officer of Zao Prosperity Co. LLC.
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