Amazon River Sun movie matinee a success, future shows promised

Dozens attended the first Sunday Matinee

 By Amazon River Sun staff

AMAZON — On Sunday, Persephone Bolero-Trenton, publisher of the Amazon River Sun and American ex-pat, introduced the Amazon to the culture of her homeland, Hollywood. 

The Los Angeles native presented a Sunday Matinee featuring the Hollywood movie "Predator," sponsored by the Amazon River Sun. 

"While the Amazon has its own rich culture, I thought it would be further enriched by the wholesome values that only a big-budget Hollywood blockbuster can convey," Bolero-Trenton told the Sun. 

 

 

Silvia Martel: "Come with me if you want to live." 

She explained that "Predator" teaches viewers about the values of courage, resourcefulness, overcoming adversity. 

"The alien never gives up. Even when all hope seemed lost, he still tried to take out the main character with a giant bomb he was apparently wearing," Bolero-Trenton said. 

 The movie was well attended, and Bolero-Trenton said the Sun is planning to hold future matinees as part of its ongoing cultural enrichment program. 

Jungle Bastards throw 'onsen' party, and lots of people danced naked

 

 

Photo courtesy Jungle Bastards

 

By Persephone Bolero-Trenton 

AMAZON —The Jungle Bastards Saturday threw a party at their compound on the Red Coast. 

Due to complications, the Amazon River Sun staff was unable to attend. However, sources tell the Sun that the party was well attended and lasted five hours. 

 

 

A couple of Bastards awarded top prizes in Carnival Ball

 

By Persephone Bolero-Trenton 

AMAZON — The Jungle Bastards took home the top prizes in the Carnival Ball Sunday. 

Riven was crowned Carnival Queen and Merek was selected as the Carnival King.

 

Riven holds the Jungle Bastards' standard

 

“Thank you all who voted. Thanks Jungle Bastards who's no doubt the best faction in town,” the queen declared upon taking her trophy, and she promised that she wouldn’t steal anyone’s MOJO.

“NOT!” Riven added.

Merek invited the jungle to visit the Bastards’ hot spring on the Red Coast “if you fancy a soak.”

 

Merek was crowned carnival king

 

The event — which was organized by Catten, Whispering Wind and Summer — brought out dozens of partygoers dressed in colorful Mardi Gras costumes. Here are just some of the ones that stood out. 

 

Kwanita uncensored

 

Wanaley danced like no one's watching

Kena of the Xoco in full peacock bloom

 

Mirage Saenz, the jungle's loveliest seeker

 

 

Persephone Bolero-Trenton, publisher of the Sun

Whoa

Kat January with a sharp costume

Ratje of the Xoco

Even dogs love Carnival

Ava in Black

Catten's butt

 

 

 

Khaing and Kwanita take first place in largest Carnival Parade to date

Dozens of floats in Bloodbath Bay 
during the judging process.
Photos by Persephone Bolero-Trenton

By Persephone Bolero-Trenton 

AMAZON — Xoco Chieftess Khaing and Kwanita of the Tapirape took the top prize in this year’s annual Carnival Parade.

The tied first-place winners were followed by a three-way tie for second, with Shui, Kerity and Captain McNoLegs going home with the silver.

 

Chieftess Khaing in her Xoco-themed float.

 

This year’s event was likely the largest in its history, with dozens of people entering floats. The competition was intense, and a source familiar with the judges’ decision told the Amazon River Sun that they had trouble settling on a first, second and third place winner. 

In order to select the winners before the sun went supernova, two first-place and three second-place winners were selected. 

 

Kart of the Tapirape had a 'revenge of the flamingos' theme.

“Congratulations to everyone who participated. It was great to see all the beautiful floats!" Shui said after the winners were announced.

Catten Carter of the Tapirape, the lead organizer of the event, said that he had never seen so much creativity in one place.

 

Kwanita's float, photo courtesy of Kwanita

Kwanita told the Sun that her float represents the "living lung of the world." 

"The jaguar symbolizes the protection, resilience, and power of nature. It is a message of celebration, but also of awareness. The jaguar, the jungle, the drums—everything celebrates the energy, culture, and beauty of the forest," Kwanita said. 

 Whispering Wind, shaman of the Tapirape, was also impressed by the variety of floats.

“All flotillas brought such bright, joyful energy to the river. The colors danced, the creativity shimmered, and the whole thing felt like a celebration floating straight from the heart of the jungle. You showed spirit, imagination, and that special spark that makes the whole crowd smile,” Wind said. 

 

Ter's float paid homage to wildlife and beer. 

 

The Amazon River Sun float provided a preview of future articles.

 

Micke's float celebrated intelligence and intrigue

 

Kerity was among the second-place winners.

Captain McNoLegs enjoys a drink after his win.

One particularly handsome spectator.

 

Catten's butt

Local pest-control expert organizes hunt to save Amazon citizens from dangerous pink flamingos

 

August, center, stands on the podium as the top hunter
in Sunday's Flamingo hunt. She is flanked on her left by
Silvia, who took second, and Micke, who took third.
Photos by Persephone Bolero-Trenton

 

By Persephone Bolero-Trenton

AMAZON — Citizens of the Amazon rose up Sunday against the scourge of pink flamingos that have long terrorized the Amazon community.

For years, residents complained that they live in fear of these vile creatures. People have reported being victims of random beakings and robberies by roaming gangs of the pink birds. When the animals aren’t stealing from the good people of our community, flamingos are known to leave droppings on people’s porches, chew with their mouths open, and sell cigarettes to minors.

 

Namida Giulia has been studying the flamingo problem
for years and organized Sunday's competition. 

 

Namida Giulia, a local flamingo-control expert, came up with a clever idea to bring down the flamingo population in the Amazon. What if he could get the jungle’s top hunters to do a concentrated purge of the beasts?

That’s why Giulia organized Sunday’s Feather Hunt. The Amazon’s top flamingo hunters competed for the top prize, bringing in dozens of the pink monsters.

 

Flamingo hunter Jar Eel stands proudly with a pink villain
she captured during Sunday's hunt.

 

August Firehawk took the top prize in the event, followed by Silvia Mertel and Micke. Honorable mentions went to Waneley, Jacob Suru, Jar Eel, Beda, Daniela, Niel, Truzyn and Vassario.

Following the event, the gangs of flamingos were cooked up for a community feast. Pillows were made from the pink feathers, which were disputed to the poor.

 

August sent a strong message to the flamingo gangs: 
Citizens of the Amazon will not tolerate lawlessness.

 

Some of the monsters managed to escape the purge. While biologists are still determining the remaining population, initial estimates are that the flamingo population in the Amazon fell at least 30% as a result of Sunday’s hunt.

If you or someone you know has been victimized by a pink flamingo, please contact your local flamingo-control expert. 

 

The flamingo Jacob Suru captured proclaimed his
innocence, but was later found guilty and delicious. 

 

Local journalist Persephone Bolero-Trenton poses
in her super adorable outfit she wore to the event.

Catten's butt.

Healers offer Amazon community free services because spirits don't want us licking toads

Whispering Wind, anti-toad licking activist and shaman
Photos by Persephone Bolero-Trento 

By Persephone Bolero-Trenton

AMAZON — The healers of the Amazon Sunday gathered in Acan’s Hunt to offer the community free health services for whatever ailments they suffered from.

Whispering Wind, shaman of the Tapirape tribe, claimed that “spirits” had spoken to her and said they are, apparently, very angry with all of us.

"The ancestors spirits are tired of being summoned for problems caused by carelessness, poor decisions and jealousy,” the shaman averred. 

What, dear readers, would upset these ghosts so much? According to Shaman Wind, they really don’t like us licking of toads and mushrooms. They also don’t like humans throwing trash into the river.

"The river spirits complain that humans keep throwing trash into the water, and the fish are getting sick of it,” Wind said.

 

Xoco Chieftess Khaing Zar offered counseling services.

 

Wind offered no words on how the spirits feel about the natives letting their bodily wastes run into the river rather than using latrines, but some questioned whether the spirits truly objected to toad licking as the shaman claimed.

“I am thinking of better things to lick,” Kaela Morningstar, a local healer, remarked.

The healers met privately with their patients, and when the Amazon River Sun asked healers what maladies they treated Sunday, they refused to break doctor-patient confidentiality.

A source, who asked to remain anonymous as he wasn’t authorized to speak to the press, told the Sun that sexually transmitted diseases and cholera were among the most common ailments patients complained about.

Shaman Wind consults with a patient.

Ter and Micke win top prize in first-ever manhood contest

 

Ter, left, and Micke stand among the judges in
Saturday's contest. Parts obscured to avoid the censors.
(Photos by Persephone Bolero)

By Persephone Bolero-Trenton

AMAZON — The competition was fierce but friendly on Saturday when men from across the Amazon lined up before a panel of penis experts to see who had the most impressive member of the all.

The scores were close among the several men who participated, and when it came time to pick one, the judges were stumped. 

A better view of the winners, along with the judges
from left: Kerity, Persephone and Penelope.

“There are a lot of very fine cocks in the jungle, and when the scoring was done, Ter and Micke had a tie,” Persephone Bolero-Trenton, who served on the esteemed panel, told the Amazon River Sun.

After some deliberation, the judges, which included Kerity and Penelope, finally decided to award both Micke and Ter the top prize.

The winners got to select among several women who volunteered to go out on a date with the winners.

For men who were unable to attend this year’s event, Alya, who organized the event and was among the volunteers to reward the winners, hinted that she might consider holding the event again sometime in the future. 

 

All the men who had the courage to enter the contest.

 

Micke stands as Penelope and Persephone judge. 
Photo courtesy of Hector